


Aoiji House

by foreverloved



Category: Naruto
Genre: Again Mostly Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Comedy, Kakashi is a pervert, M/M, Mostly Crack, Sasuke has anger issues, Slice of Life, un-beta'd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2018-05-26 01:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6217930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverloved/pseuds/foreverloved
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a certain Uchiha Sasuke attempts to reform a group of over-sized children so he can join a special club. Shouldn't be too hard right? He just has to avoid getting roofied from one of them, not fall in love with another and convince an over-protective brother that he can in fact, take care of himself. At least, he hopes he can. It is after all; Aoiji House.</p><p>Told from Kakashi's POV Modern AU Main: KakashixSasuke Side: ShisuixItachi</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Under New Management

**Author's Note:**

> The first half of this story is mainly from the original I wrote seven years ago. It is rough but I promise it gets better.  
> Story inspired by the song: "Too Pretty" by State of Shock

The repetitive blaring of my alarm rang throughout the room. Rolling over I shoved my hand out of my blankets and onto the nightstand beside my bed. My hand felt its way across the wooden surface, trying vainly to find the source of that infuriating beeping.

After a few seconds of frantic searching I felt my hand brush against a hard, plastic object that felt square. Not bothering to take my head of the pillow and look to see if it was really the blasted alarm clock, I threw it at the wall. My efforts were rewarded with a loud crunch followed by blessed silence. The now demolished clock had served its purpose though; I was awake. Groaning I ran a hand through my silver hair, making it spike up more than it normally did.

I grudgingly shoved off my black comforter. I immediately regretted it. I didn’t even have work today. Why was I getting up? There seemed to be something happening today. I just couldn’t remember what. With a deep groan I forced myself up to a standing position. Hopefully the shower would help me remember.

I started for the bathroom. It was no easy task, mind you. Books, clothes, cigarette packs, and things I didn't even know I had were strewn across the floor. If I had to spend the lonely nights without a lover I was sure going to enjoy the perks of a bachelor. I would clean when I found someone worth bringing to my room. Until then my books could keep my pants company in one large pile.

Amazingly enough I managed to arrive unscathed at my destination. Well if you counted stepping on a fork, spilling water on my last copy of Make-Out Paradise, and tripping over my dog Pakkun no damage, then mission accomplished.

Cursing I kicked the already slightly open door the rest of the way.  Sliding the glass pane open I twisted the knob hard to the right. I realized my mistake just a wave of very cold water fell down on me, awakening me completely. You would think that after five years of dealing with the blasted plumbing I would remember it never worked right the first time. Letting out another line of curses I was particularly fond of, I fumbled with the knob, finally getting it right.

The shower felt heavenly. It had been a good long time since I had been able to relax like this. Usual I had to deal with Sai sitting on my toilet, telling me to hurry or endure the sounds of Tsunade and her husband fighting in the room above me. Today was bliss. Quite, Sai-free bliss. Something nagged at me that there was probably a reason for the silence. It continued to nag for a bit before I managed to shove it to the back of my mind. It was probably just a lucky break.

I slid the door open and reached out in search of a something to dry myself off. It was only after finding nothing at all that I remembered that I had emptied my freshly cleaned towel basket in my room so I could use it as a stool. It seemed I had used up all my luck with the shower. I tried my best to shake off as much water off myself as possible. It succeeded to some extent, though I was still very wet.

Perhaps that was why, when I left the bathroom I didn’t notice my front door was open. Nor did I care that, upon finding myself naked in the middle of my room with the most beautiful pair of black eyes staring at me, I simply said hello.

Really, it was the polite thing to do. The man, I noticed by his choice of attire-black button up and faded jeans-just kept staring. Well, if he liked what he saw then more power to him. The man was beautiful. He had this spikey hair style thing going on. It suited him rather well. And was that a hint of a six pack I saw clinging to his black t-shirt? Oh yes, he could keep staring.

I bent down, retrieving the towel I had been original seeking, and flung it around my shoulders. “You don’t have to just stand there. I love company.” I said simply.

This seemed to break the man out of his trance. He blinked a few times before finally speaking. “What? Yes, I um, I will come back later, when you are…dressed.” He turned away but not before I noticed the barest hint of red settling on his cheeks.  
  
Cute kid, I thought to myself. I watched him shut the door followed by the sound of his feet walking down the hall. Whoever he was, he looked like fun. We needed fun; all we had in Aoiji house was crazy. My thoughts kept my hands busy and in rare gesture of self-respect I picked up my room enough to clear a wide circle. Satisfied I decided if the kid wasn’t going to come back so soon, I would have to go find him. I had since gotten dressed of course. Though if he wanted, I wouldn't mind taking them off again.

Throwing a scarf over the lower half of my face I turned to the door. Just as I reached the doorknob the whole bloody thing came swinging open, smacking my head against it. I barely had time to land on the floor before the intruder made themselves known.

“Yo Kakashi! Did you see that kid? Man!” The woman yelled as waltzed in. She looked around a bit before she saw me on the floor, hand to nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding. “What are you doing on the floor? Get up!” she reached down and jerked me to my feet.

Once standing I shot the woman a one-eyed glare. Anko, the tenant of room six and a chronic alcoholic with a penchant for dango. “Anko, really, I know I taught you to knock.”

The woman laughed uncaring as she picked her way over to my bed. “So you’ve met him right? The new landlord?” Why she picked my bed when there a perfectly clean floor was beyond me.

Tenderly touching my nose I nodded. “If you are talking about the spiky haired kid then yeah, I met him. Briefly.” I shrugged, trying in vain to get the ache out of my shoulders. Anko kicked hard. “So he is our new landlord? Man, I didn’t realize the place was for sale." Not that I could have afforded it of course. "Did you catch his name?”

Anko laughed. “You didn’t? I thought for sure he’d be a band wagon you’d be happy to jump on.”

I smiled, though the only indication to those around me was the shifting of my eyes. It was usually too much work to reveal my mouth. People tended to want a story. “We had a…unusual meeting.” I conceded.

“His name is Sasuke Uchiha,” a voice at the door announced. I turned to see Tsunade leaning heavily against the door frame. She didn’t look drunk but that wasn’t unusual nor did it mean she wasn’t inhibited. No with the two women of Aoiji House the only thing that could make the unusual list was them being sober.

“An Uchiha?” I asked in surprise. Now that one qualified to go on said unusual list. It explained the good looks but that was it. The Uchiha family were a bunch of rich lawyers and doctors with brains as superior as their features. They didn’t show up in this part of town. I was surprised one of them even knew this neighborhood existed.

“I know huh?” She moved across the room to plop herself down next to Anko. With a deep sigh of contentment she let herself fall backward atop it. What was up with my bed? Did they not see the clean floor?

"A kid that rich has got have a real good reason to be here." Both Anko and I looked to the door where the new voice had come from. Taking up most of the narrow doorway was a long haired old man. His most notable features were his white hair and red lines that ran from the middle of his eyes to this chin.

"Ah! Jiraiya! Join us, join us!" Anko let out a very drunk noise that I think was supposed to be a laugh.

I decided to voice my thoughts. "Uchiha? Why would someone like that be here?" I looked up at Jiraiya just in time to see him enter my room, kicking anything that was in his way. I mean really? Was that necessary? The room was clean. Well, _cleaner._

I winced as I watched my already damaged Icha Icha book fly across the room. I was going to have to buy another copy of that. I think the new one will be my tenth. The bookshop was making a killing off of me. Anyway, he settled at the bed with Anko. I am serious here, what is up with the bed?

"How should I know? All he told me was his name and that he would be living here from now on."

He reached over to the plate in Anko's hand and picked up a dango. Said hand was immediately stabbed by an empty stick causing the piece of food it was holding to fall back onto the plate. Jiraiya let out a hiss of pain as he withdrew his hand. Anko grunted in satisfaction. I winced for the second time that day when I saw blood drip from the dango stick the old man had pulled from his hand. After shaking his hand Jiraiya finished speaking, “Oh and he wants downstairs for a meeting in an hour.”

“An hour? As if. He will learn eventually that we don’t do time. Might as well be sooner rather than later.” The blond woman let out a grunt as she pulled out a sake bottle from between her boobs. You heard me right, her boobs. 

"Perfectly said Tsunade." I watched in disbelief as Sai, the last tenant, waltzed into my room and settled himself down atop the now very crowded bed. It is official; my bed is  _thee_  place to be.

No one knows much about Sai. To be truthful, we're not even sure that is his real name. There is a running bet going on concerning his origins. Tsunade thinks he is a spy for the government, Anko figures he has amnesia, and Jiraiya is sure he is an alien.

"What is this? A party in my room?" I raised my one visible eyebrow at the four people.

Sai smiled and popped in a piece of dango he had stealthily stolen from Anko in his mouth. I was a bit amazed at this. Anko guards her dango very well as poor Jiraiya found out. "No but that sounds like a good idea. What do you think guys?" The black haired boy smiled at the rest of the group. Anko let out a loud 'Sure' as she slapped him on the back.

"Sounds good to me." Jiraiya agreed.

"Why not?" Tsunade predictably approved. As long as there was sake Tsunade would go along with anything.

I let out a loud sigh. They were always doing this to me; I should be used to it by now. "You guys never know when to quit." They just laughed at me and continued drinking and eating. It was short of amazing how they had not run out dango and sake yet. For some reason, they never seemed to. The nagging in the back of my head seemed to be telling me that we probably should go downstairs for the meeting. It didn’t last very long after the second cup of sake.

* * *

 

No one was real sure what time it was but later, upon a hushed conference, we all agreed that what we did remember wasn’t pretty. Somehow Anko had lost her top and was dancing around my poor dog. Jiraiya sat on the bed cheering her on while Tsunade tried to persuade Sai to strip.

It was about this time the door opened and we learned why the Uchiha made such good lawyers. I believe I was the least drunk and thus, have the terror of an angry Uchiha properly engraved in my bones.

He stood there in the door frame, his eyes so heated, in my drunken stupor I saw them glowing red. I couldn’t remember exactly what he said but it was somewhere along the lines of ‘no-respect’ and ‘useless trash’. I believe there were a number of cuss words in there too. He threw several wads of rolled paper at us, effectively knocking out half of our merry little band. At that point the rest of us screamed and hid under whatever it was we could find. I had no idea Sai could fit under a laundry basket.

Needless to say when he was done yelling at us we all agreed it would be best to remain in the room until a proper amount of time had passed. My room sat all by its lonesome in the east wing of the building. The manager’s room was just outside the community kitchen conveniently located in the center of the home. Everyone else’s room was on the west side; past the kitchen. No one wanted to see how accurate this guy was with knives.

In the long run it didn’t matter very much. We all passed out relatively soon.

* * *

 There were somethings I was used to waking up to. Anko yelling, Tsunade breaking something and of course the usual alarm clock. An ice cold bucket of water was not one of them.

Swearing loudly I thrashed about, lifting myself to a seated position in the process. Once I managed to get my eyes open I was rewarded with the sight of the Uchiha frowning, offending--now empty--bucket in his hand.

“Get up,” he said simply.

At this point we hadn’t remembered what had happened earlier that day so it was with good reason I felt his treatment to be unjust.

“Drop the bucket then. It was mean to dump the water on me,” I retorted, proud that despite my hangover I wasn’t slurring.

He must not have felt the same as I did. With a dramatic release he dropped the bucket. Onto my head. My hands instantly went to the offended spot, rubbing furiously.

Much to my horror he then proceeded to give a similar wake-up call to the remainder of the party guests.

With one last accurate toss of the bucket onto Jiraiya’s stomach he marched to the door. One kick and he had the poor door slammed shut. He turned to give the room a glare.

“One meeting barely an hour after I arrive. An arrival I might add, I gave all of you a _two weeks’ notice of.”_

Oh, so that was why he was angry. That would explain the alarm clock and nagging feeling. It’s too bad hindsight was twenty-twenty. I always felt it would be more useful if it came sooner.

“Since you all care so much about your home it won’t matter to you then that I’m having it taken down.”

There was far too much satisfaction in his voice for my liking. Tear down Aoiji House? How could he? We lived here! Before I could remind him of that Anko voiced my thoughts for me.

"You can't do that! We live here!"

He sneered at us. Yes, sneered. Those perfect lips curled up on one side to show off equally perfect teeth. Why did he have to be so good looking? It was hard to get properly angry at him when he was so nice to look at.

“I bought this place; its mine. I can do what I see fit. Besides,” he pulled a slip of pink paper out of his back pocket. “Anko Mitarashi: 300,000 yen in debt.”

Anko had the decency to cringe. Sasuke didn’t seem to notice. He kept talking. “Jiraiya and Tsunade Senju, 270,000 yen. Sai, 168,000 yen.” He turned his eyes to look at me. Dang he had nice eyes. “And Kakashi Hatake, 420,000 yen in debt.” He tossed the paper at us. Being paper it floated in the air a bit before settling down onto the floor. Somehow, it still managed to look dramatic.  “As far as I am concerned your contracts are null and void. If you can’t pay rent then I don’t need to uphold them.”

With a flourish of those sexy legs he turned and left the room, slamming the door for a final, theatric finish. Somewhere in the room I heard Anko begin to swear. Yes, I found myself thinking. We were all in a lot of trouble.

* * *

 

Sometime later after we had finished piecing together why the Uchiha was so pissed at us I managed to feel sufficiently ashamed. He really hadn’t asked for much.

“What are we going to do? None of us have anywhere else to go,” Tsunade said grimly.

We were all still seated in my room but thankfully only Jiraiya remained on my bed. Everyone else had found various objects to serve as seats.

“Someone needs to go talk to him,” Jiraiya voiced.

“I’ll go,” Sai offered, raising from his upturned bucket.

In unison we all voiced our disapproval. Sai was many things but polite and diplomatic were not two of them. He would likely only anger our landlord more.

“How about Kakashi?” Anko suggested.

“Me? Why? I’m afraid the only thing he is going to remember me by is my naked butt.”

This earned me several curious glances. Fear of being homeless outweighed their curiosity though; they didn’t inquire why that would be my memorable feature. Many of us had been homeless at some point or another and did not want to return to that lifestyle.

“You are the only one of with a chance of changing his mind. For goodness sake Kakashi, you are psychology professor. Put your education to use.”

Ah yes, the old, you studied psychology so you should be able to control other people talk. Rubbish. Still, it was better than having Anko attempt to seduce him or Jiraiya bribing the Uchiha with who knows what. Or whom for that matter.

With a regretful sigh I rose and resigned myself to my fate. “If I get knives thrown at me and thus, subsequently pass; Sai, you may have my Icha Icha collection.”

I tried to ignore Jiraiya’s protests as I left the room. The five meters to the kitchen seemed awfully long as I drug my feet across the wooden floor. What was I going to say? He was perfectly within his right. None of us had paid rent in months. Our old landlord, some creep with a fetish for snakes, didn’t care if we paid our rent so long as we didn’t report him. I wonder what ever happened to him?

I doubted this Uchiha had any dirt we could blackmail him with. Why was he here anyway?

“—No! Itachi I am fine. I can handle myself!”

Was that the Uchiha? He was yelling. Like, super-angry yelling. Who was Itachi? I had arrived at the kitchen but with the sounds coming from the room I did not want to enter. Kneel down and eavesdrop? That I did want to do.

“Sasuke don’t you see Sasori was making a joke? He isn’t serious. You don’t have to fix this relic up. I found another house closer to home. I will buy it for you so—“

“Get out.”

Oh two words hadn’t sounded so cold before. Whoever this Itachi guy was our little landlord did not like him telling him what to do. Did I spell blackmail?

“What, but Sasuke—“

“ _I said get out._ This is my home. You have no hold over me here big brother. I _will_ restore this home and I _will_ earn my place at Akatsuki _on my own_.”

Oh man, I almost felt bad for this Itachi guy. I could have cooled vodka on his words. This was definitely blackmail material. Perhaps my luck was back.

I scooted a little closer to the door, my ear on top the floor boards. I think that was why, when the door slide open and a male of undeterminable age stood directly above me, his glare was sufficient to make me scurry back down the hall. People always seem more intimidating when they are within face-kicking range.

I continued to stare him from my hiding space behind several tall wooden boxes. He was definitely our little Uchiha’s brother. Older I would guess. This one had long hair and a very blank face but still attractive. Meaner though, at least, he looked really mean right then. I was very glad I had a good solid box and a hallway standing between me and him.

“I am not done Sasuke, I will be checking on you again,” the man---Itachi, said, his head tilting to the side and back a bit. In a tone so much softer than any he had used before I almost didn’t catch it he said, “Sasuke, I care about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

I heard nothing from the kitchen so Uchiha must have decided not to respond. Oh yes, there was some serious history here. Juicy, juicy gossip. And where there was gossip there was bound to be blackmail. I waited patiently behind my box as Itachi walked down the hallway and to the left; headed for the door more than likely. Sure enough I heard a resounding thumping noise that confirmed his exit.

Well, this Itachi had made the landlord angrier than we had so perhaps he would be willing to talk to the lesser offender? I hoped so. My feet were beginning to hurt from sitting on them. Stretching tall I leisurely walked out from behind them and, after feigning to come from the direction of my room, walked into the kitchen.

There aren’t many times in my life where something happens that strikes me so deeply, I never forget it. I am an absentminded person who learned early the harsh consequences of taking life too seriously. I have since done my best to simply enjoy the moments I had to live.

That moment became one of the few. The sight of him, seated on that old crappy chair, his head on his knees, his body shaking with the force of his silent cries. There was something fragile about him; as if he had broken apart once and never quite healed completely. Perhaps it was the position or his beauty but either way; I felt my heart twist sharply. I didn’t want to hurt him or blackmail him. Really, right then, I just wanted to give him a hug. Maybe a kiss. Or two.

He must have caught me staring. His eyes shot up. They were wide and dark, glistening from his tears and the moonlight stream coming from the window. Oh he was beautiful. Far, far too beautiful for someone like me to touch.

The desire to hold him quickly got squished back to the dark never-see-the-light-of-day area of my brain as his innocent eyes quickly turned into a glare.

“It would not be wise to speak to me right now,” he warned. There was no need for colorful adjectives, Sasuke didn’t speak in anything but this cold, I hate you voice.

“Look, Mr. Uchiha, it looks to me like you have a problem.” He hadn’t moved. I took it for my cue to keep speaking. I figured if he didn’t want me to, he would probably just start throwing things at me again. “It sounds to me like you need this,” I waved around to encompass the kitchen, “to work. And we need a place to live. So before you start kicking us out why don’t we come to some agreements?”

Sasuke moved his legs off the chair. “Funny you suggest that. If I recall I had scheduled a meeting this morning for that very thing.” This kid was gifted; he could make anything sound like an insult. “You are lucky I need to prove what I can do.” He stood up, arching his back just enough to give me the barest glimpse under his t-shirt. Yes, he did have excellently developed abs. I am beginning to think he likes flaunting himself in front of me.

He walked a few feet to the dingy gray table pushed up against the back wall of the kitchen. Atop it were several piles of paper. He picked up one of them and held it out for me to grab. I had to walk a few steps to take it. Written in perfectly indented and technically correct paragraphs were the guidelines of what I assumed to be our new contract. Some of the lines summarized were as followed:

  * You shall show up for renovation work at 6 am every Saturday until notified further.
  * You shall attend breakfast and dinner every day 6 am and 6 pm respectively. This may be negotiated upon a proper written explanation of other obligations keeping you from making an appearance.
  * You shall pay full rent starting the month the contract is signed. If unable to pay you will be put to use however the rightful owner of Aoiji House sees fit.



This was unreal. What did he expect us to be? Slaves? I looked up from my reading to see Sasuke moving about the kitchen, putting various papers away. This wasn’t some ordinary rich man. Well, man was a bit of a stretch. He had to be ten years younger than me. A university student or recent graduate I decided. He moved with grace from one end of the table to the counter where he had a big open duffel bag he deposited the papers into. An athlete then. Not professional but defiantly played in the university he had attended.

He was a controlling jerk; that much was for certain. On the other hand, he was breathtaking. He had the most delicate symmetrical features. He didn’t appear to have an ounce of fat or blemish. I doubted the kid even knew what acne was. Leave to the Uchiha. They were beautiful. At least this one was. And the one I had seen earlier. They were all probably beautiful. Lucky egotistical jerks.

I set the paper down atop the table. Clearing my throat I got my landlords attention again. Once he was looking at me I stuck my hand out to him. “I am sure you aware of who I am but I didn’t get to properly introduce myself yet. I’m Kakashi Hatake. I live in room five.”

He stared at the hand as if unsure he really wanted to shake it. “I’m Sasuke Uchiha,” he said finally, accepting the hand.

“Great to meet you.” I had a hard time letting his hand go. His skin was as soft as it looked. I found myself staring at his neck, where the tops of his collarbone pocked through the top of his shirt. I bet they are just as soft, I thought.

Sasuke seemed to be getting irritated at our connection. He slowly started to pull away. Reluctantly I let his hand pull free. He was a temperamental asshole, of that there was no doubt. Still, I found myself looking forward to working with him. Eye candy was eye candy.

“Where is a pen?”


	2. A Work in Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Itachi survives an encounter with Sasuke and Kakashi decides that perhaps reforming Uchihas is not such a good idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize for the big gap of time between uploaded chapters but unfortunately, I foresee it happening again. Aoiji House is my stress relief and mainly just a bunch of crack following a very thin plot line. I tend to write on it when I'm tired of writing angst. I have combed through the chapter but without a beta I am bound to miss some grammatical errors. You have been warned.

* * *

 

In the end, everyone signed the contract. We didn’t have much of a choice and Sasuke knew it. He wore that little triumphant sneer the whole time we scribbled our souls away. This guy was supposed to help us? Yeah right. We walked away dreading tomorrow. It was Saturday.

From the sounds of our alarm clocks we probably could have woken the dead. If the beeping didn’t do the job our appearances would have. Tsunade hadn’t bothered putting a bathrobe over her thin pajamas. Anko didn’t wear pants under her tank top. Sai? Well, he always looked the same; gray t-shirt and black jeans. The kid was totally an alien. Jiraiya? He didn’t even show.

Having to wake up at 6 was almost worth the look we got from Sasuke as we sauntered into the kitchen. His eyebrows twitched as he took in the girl’s clothes and his face flushed a pretty red. I exchanged a glance with Sai. Yes, he was enjoying tormenting our new slave driver. Perhaps some appropriate taunts could be arranged.

The Aoiji kitchen was a sad piece of work. The counters were a shade of ugly yellow tile set crooked atop the now molding counters. The sink didn’t drain right and the stove didn’t work. As for the fridge? What fridge? Needless to say no one used the place anymore.

Somehow despite this, a breakfast of fresh onigiri and grilled salmon was set atop the table. He had managed to find some odds and end plates that were placed around the sorry slab of wood. It looked delicious and smelled even better.

As soon as we saw the food it became a scramble to get to it first. Somehow in the mess my elbow managed to find Anko’s jaw. She howled and kicked me squarely in the stomach, sending me skidding across the laminate floor. With a thud and flash of pain I felt my head hit the underside of the exposed sink.

It was at that moment we all heard the clear sound of the doorbell ringing. Everyone froze. Anko, her mouth stuffed full of salmon exchanged a silent stare with Sai. We all knew what this meant.

To normal people the sound of a doorbell would translate into 'Oh someone is here'. To the pathetic inhabitants of Aoiji house that noise means something like 'Shit, a bill collector. Run! Hide! Chuck a toaster at him!' When I say chuck a toaster I mean literally chuck a toaster.

The last time a bill collector stopped by Anko threw our toaster at the poor guy. I feel bad for him and all but it was really funny to see. I mean really,  _really_  funny. The kid ran away clutching his head with both of his hands while shouting threats at us, who in turn, aimed a slew of metal chopsticks at him. It turns out Sai is deadly accurate with those things.

Food would have to wait; It was time to prepare for battle. What did I have to throw at our unwelcome visitor? Some heavy text books I didn't need any more perhaps. Oh, how about that ugly cat statue Tsunade got me during one of her drunken shopping days.

My fellow warriors shared my sentiments. With a shout of hurrah we grabbed what food we could carry and scattered. As I gathered the previously mentioned weapons I heard Anko let out a battle cry. She really got into this whole 'Kill the bill collector' thing. I on the other hand was more a gleeful spectator than a willing gladiator. That would be why I planned on giving Anko my stack of ammunition. She had mentioned last battle that a bowling ball would be fun to throw; I really wanted to see her do it. Besides, if she really killed the guy it would her drunken butt that went to jail, not mine.

We were all poised on the five foot balcony of Tsunade’s overlooking the front door when the first textbook missile was let loose. For some reason the fellow with black hair and suit looked familiar. As I watched him deftly dodge the book I felt myself begin to remember. Two textbooks later I was able to clearly recall where I had seen him. Sasuke’s brother. Our dear landlord was either going to be very angry or very happy. I decided it would be in my best interest if I was not around to find out which.

As silently as I could, I pushed the screen door open and slipped back into the room. As I turned to begin my daring escape I found myself staring ahead, frozen in place. Standing in the doorway was our darling Sasuke. He stood there, arms folded across a red t-shirt clad chest looking remarkably unreadable.

“Did they hit him?” he asked.

I shook my head, too afraid to speak. _He had knives in his hands._

With a sigh he pushed past me and out onto the balcony. What was he going to do? Curiosity outweighed my fear. Twirling around, I hurried after him. With little effort he pushed Anko out of the way, allowing him a front and center view of the door below.

Our visitor had just enough to time to register it was his little brother standing a story above him before the knives began to fall. One after another Sasuke threw the kitchen knives I could only assume had made our delectable breakfast, at his brother.

Sai and I both watched with rabid fascination as each narrowly missed their target. Itachi must have been used to something like this; the guy could move! He dodged each one without them once connecting. I doubted any of us could have done it, Sasuke was scary accurate with those knives. I had been right to fear him.

Sadly, our dear landlord had run out of knives. With a deep frown he swiftly turned to look at me. “What else do you have?” he demanded.

Meekly and soundlessly we handed over our meager ammunition. After watching that I doubted any of us would have thought to disobey him. And why should we? This was widely amusing.

He glanced at the metal chopsticks in Sai’s hand, the large cat statue in mine and Ancho’s bowling bowl. (I knew she was going to do it!) Finally deciding on the bowling bowl he took it from Anko and held it above Itachi’s head. The man below was taking deep breaths but he looked determined. I doubted he was going to leave anytime soon.

“Itachi this is your final warning. Leave!” Sasuke shouted.

“Sasuke I just came to talk! Let me help you.”

“Wrong answer!” I shouted gleefully.

Sasuke looked over at me and smiled. I hadn’t known him long but had already given up hope the guy could do something like smile. I almost wish he couldn’t. The sight of his smile sent my insides in all sorts of knots and flutters. Really, the boy was far too good-looking for his own good.

“Ready?” he asked.

Anko, Sai and I all lined up beside him, our bodies pressing up against the balcony.

“Fire!” we shouted.

With a war cry Nobunaga would have been proud of we all let our weapons loose. In a splendid show of grace, talent and plain old luck Itachi swirled and jumped out of the way, effectively missing all of our projectiles.

We may not have hit him but he certainly looked tired. He was panting and attempting to push the many stray strands of his hair away from his face. “Sasuke you are acting like a child. It appears I cannot reason with you so I will leave as you so dangerously insist. If you wish to fail then so be it. I will wait for your apology at our home.”

His speech complete, Sasuke’s stubborn older brother turned and walked back down the gravel. I watched with a sense of satisfaction as he climbed into his shiny black Cadillac and drove off. We had won.

Anko and Sai let out cheers, complete with a high five. I found myself laughing. When was the last time we had had so much fun? Even Sasuke seemed to be chuckling. I loved watching him laugh. I’d only seen him mad and hurt so far; happy was definitely the best version of Sasuke. I just needed to figure out how to get it to stick around more.

“Well that was fun. Is there any breakfast left?” I chirped happily.

* * *

As it turned out, there wasn’t any left. Sometime during our battle Jiraiya had woken up and wandered into the kitchen where he happily consumed the remainder of our salmon and rice balls.

We moaned and complained but Sasuke refused to make more. Jiraiya didn’t even seem remorseful about eating our food. The old jerk. After securing a promise to return to the kitchen in two hours Sasuke let the occupants of his prison return to their cells. I elected to ignore the release and remain in the kitchen.

Legs crossed comfortably underneath me I sat against the only stable counter and observed Sasuke. He was pretending to be busy; moving papers or plates around but every few minutes he would stop, pull out his phone and check it. If he was expecting a text or call from his brother I doubted he would get one. Most people didn’t call back after you attempted to kill them.

What was with his reaction anyway? I could tell from the scene in the kitchen last night that they were close. Complicated but close. So why the knives? Did our adrenaline rub off on him? Nah, it couldn’t be just that. He seemed unusually bent on making sure his brother stayed away. Sibling rivalry? That wasn’t right; Itachi seemed too protective to feel competitive. One-sided then. Regardless they were clearly very dependent on each other.

Well, climbing up into a standing position again I stretched my arms above my head, they were Uchiha’s after all; brilliant, godly-attractive but deranged. It seemed to run in their blood. If they threw knives at each other to vent stress then more power to them.

During my little psyche-investigation Sasuke had finished his kitchen clean-up and disappeared. Poking my head out the door and into the corridor I found his cute little butt sticking out of the storeroom.

A cheeky grin spread across my face as a rather mischievous idea came to me. Careful and quiet I did my best to sneak up behind Sasuke. Once I was properly positioned behind him I let out a loud whistle.

With a few curse words Sasuke shot up, his body swiftly turning around. Those perfect lips of his had already settled into a scowl when he realized that his action had brought our faces mere inches away.

I knew he felt it; the attraction. It wasn’t all consuming but it was there, hovering between us. He would have punched me or kicked me if he didn’t feel something of what I did. It didn’t take long to recognize lust. Love, now that could take some time. I was content with lust. The emotion was far easier to control than its misguided cousin.

“You are too close,” Sasuke said tersely, still not moving.

“Give me a reason to move,” I teased, content to watch the man glare at me. He wasn’t going to, I could see it in his eyes. Perhaps our initial meeting had roused more interest in me than he would like. I may be on the early side of thirty but I kept myself fit. Dodging Anko and Tsunade could do that to a man.

“If you are going to have sex let me watch. Or better yet, I would love to join in.”

“Yuck Sai, that would be gross. No one wants to see _you_ naked.”

“Why did you guys talk?! Now they won’t let us watch.”

“Who said we wanted to?!”

We heard a thump followed by the large clambering noise of four bodies falling to the ground. In unison Sasuke and I turned around to see the remaining occupants of the building in a large pile outside the door. Tsunade was busy pulling on Jiraiya’s hair when I cleared my throat. To their credit they looked awfully guilty.

It wasn’t enough to save them. A beautiful trademark Uchiha glare in place Sasuke took two steps toward them. He didn’t get to a third before they were all up and running, screaming like little girls. He swung his head around, pinning me in place with his glare. He had probably been worried I would run. Oh he of little faith; I wouldn’t walk away from my entertainment.

“You are all perverts,” he stated, disgust thick.

I shrugged, my usual smile in place. “Welcome to Aoiji House.”

Sasuke didn’t bother with a response, choosing to chase after the escaping victims. Despite their head start Sasuke was quick on their heels. He managed to make it the end of the staircase before Sai finished climbing the stairs.

“Stop right there! If you are that eager be around me, then we might as start working now.” He had to shout to get his voice up the staircase. I was distinctively reminded of a mother hen. He kinda looked like one with that hairstyle of his. I could envision a little kerchief tied around it, frilly apron securely tied around his waist. Yep, that fit.

A collective groan was heard from various points along the stairs. No one dared disobey him though. One sulking form after another my dear voyeuristic friends filed into the kitchen. By the time all four had arrived Sasuke had walked into the kitchen where he know stood in the middle of the health-hazard, arms folded and feet firmly placed apart.

“We will be doing the groundwork for the kitchen today. You will each need a pair of gloves.”

In unison our eyes traveled to the pile of shiny tan work gloves on the floor. They even had the price-tags still on them. How long had they been there?

“Why are we doing this again?” Tsunade grumbled, her hands inching toward the gloves. With a grimace she picked one up and slide it on.

“It is a Saturday and thus, slave labor day.” Sai supplied, somehow magically having a pair of gloves already on his hands.

With a deep sigh of my own I picked up a pair. “Might as well get this over with.”

Giving each other a comforting nod of encouragement we meandered out of the kitchen and into the hallway.  From our place there we could see the storage room next door open, Sasuke's spikey hair sticking out just enough for us to see him. He must have walked past us while we were busy getting the gloves.

“Do you think he styles it that way?” Sai asked curiously. We hadn’t moved. Probably wouldn’t until he made us. Yes we were stubborn two-year olds like that.

Anko snorted her disinterest. “I think the real question is whether he realizes it looks like a porcupine.”

“Porcupine. That’s a good name.” Jiraiya supplied happily. “We should call him that.”

I gave him a concerned look. “Go right ahead and try. You guys weren’t sober enough to remember what he did last time he lost it. I, unfortunately was. I am not even going to try.”

They didn’t believe me, the poor fools.

“Don’t just stand there, come in so we can get started. The sooner we start the sooner we are done.”

We all shuffled into the storage room, squishing up against each other. The room was not very large and currently full of cardboard boxes. Some company logo was plastered on the side but I couldn’t tell which. Funny, I hadn’t noticed them a few minutes ago.

The Uchiha himself was standing beside several open boxes. Sai being the bravest of us all, peered inside the cardboard surprise closest to him. Judging by his lack of report he was clearly confused.

“Those are tools Sai,” Sasuke stated tersely. “They aren’t going to bite. Just grab one.”

Sai didn’t look convinced but he did as instructed. From the look Sasuke was giving the rest of us he clearly expected us to do the same. Fingers gingerly reaching into the box we each pulled out one of the foreign objects. I at least, recognized the wooden tool in my hand. I knew what a hammer was. I couldn’t say the same for the rest of them.

With our trusty tools in hand Sasuke set us to our appointed tasks. Out of the four of us I was pretty sure I got the best job. Jiraiya and Anko had to work on peeling off the tiled flooring, Sai doing the same for the counters. Tsunade had been left with removing the broken appliances. Me? I got to stand and work with Sasuke as we began dismantling the cabinets.

I was taller than he was. It made the perfect excuse as to why I had to stand behind him sometimes, holding the cabinet in place as he unscrewed it. Oh how I enjoyed the feeling of his body in front of me. My eyes were supposed to be watching the cupboards, safety and all that jazz. Instead I let it linger on his shoulders as he stretched and tensed, moving lazily down his back to his toned butt. This was the third cabinet to go down and I got to stand like this each time.

Was it bodily safe to staring lewdly at my landlord? No. Was it polite? No. Was it sinfully fun? Absolutely. Like I said, eye candy was eye candy.

Swearing colorfully Sasuke let the screwdriver in his hand fall to the counter-top. Turning in between my arms he managed to glare up at me. It was a pleasant sight. His face beginning to show just a hint of perspiration, his eyes smoldering with emotion; face flushed with the heat of an excellent summer day.

“Mr. Hatake let me make something perfectly clear. I am not and will not ever be interested in touching your penis. Now that is clear, as hard as that may be please try to pay attention.”

Behind me I heard Jiraiya snickering. Yeah, yeah, laugh at poor Kakashi. In the pleasure of watching him work I had forgotten how sharp his tongue was. Well two could play the game.

“Oh don’t worry about little old me. I just enjoy watching, no touching required.”

He groaned out something before turning back around, resuming his onslaught on the cabinet. He wasn’t going to roll over and let me oogle it seemed. In more than one occasion I found an elbow jabbing me in the stomach or his boot stomping on my much less protected sandal clad feet.

I didn’t mind though. It just meant he cared.

As the cabinet clambered to the ground in a loud crash I let out a sigh of disappoint. What was that game kids played these days? Seven minutes in heaven? Well, that was as close to heaven my seven minutes were going to get.

I watched Sasuke’s face fight a look of triumphant. It was an impressive thing. His lips appeared to be winning; I could see full blown smirk forming. Even his eyes seemed to be dancing with excitement. His happiness didn’t last long.

His job done he turned around to watch the others. Anko and Jiraiya had started a game of chicken, stabbing the pointed scrapping tool down towards each other’s hands. Judging by the bleeding scratches along either side of Anko’s hands I would bet she was winning.

I followed his eyes to Tsunade next.

The old woman had moved the appliances; that was for sure. Moved them right into the doorway. She was sitting atop the now horizontal fridge, a bottle of what looked to be half-empty sake in hand. Sai sat next to her, his own gloves and tool in a neat pile atop the untouched counters.

I pitied them, I really did. As I said earlier; I knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of an Uchiha’s fury. It was not pleasant.

I might have pitied them but I certainly wasn’t going to let such a flexible emotion keep me from an entertaining after-work show. Lightly jumping atop the counter I got myself properly comfortable.

Sasuke did not disappoint me. In two strides he made it to Jiraiya. His shadow cast over the both of them they looked up, their expression better suited for a two-year old caught with their hand in the cookie jar than the adults they were supposed to be.

“Hey Sasuke want to play?” Anko asked hopefully.

“Do I want to play?” He repeated, his voice far too sweet to belong to someone with an evil sneer. He had one on too, it was great. He crouched beside both of them. I couldn’t tell if their wide eyes and open mouths were from shock or fear. I hoped it was fear, Sasuke had taken the tool, holding it pointy side down. I would be scared.

With far more force and speed than necessary he brought it down next to Jiraiya’s hand. He must not have gotten Jiraiya because the old man was not screaming. He was however, very pale, the red tattoos on his face standing out like beacons.

Eyes narrowed and voice that beautiful _I-will-kill-you_ tone he had down so well, Sasuke addressed them both. “You do realize you signed your souls away to me right? Do you want to know hat happens when I run out of patience?”

They exchanged a fearful glance before meekly slipping their discarded gloves back on. Apparently they did not want to find out. I did. I had a feeling it would widely entertaining.

Satisfied he had properly motivated them Sasuke stood, his angry gaze falling to the two remaining bums. To his surprise however they were no longer sitting and drinking.

Tsunade had hoped off the fridge and began pushing it further down the hall toward the front door. Sai was at the counters, gloves on and working wordlessly.

“See? We can work,” I announced happily.

Sasuke said nothing, clearly not impressed. He should be; we didn’t like working. With a jump I was on the floor again. “We taking these old cabinets out?” I asked with a gesture the wooden pile behind me.

Sasuke nodded and we began the work of carrying them out to the backyard. 

As I set down one of the last cabinets I voiced the concern that had begun to grow. “So what do you have planned for this place anyway? We aren’t putting all this work into to be kicked out at in the end are we?”

My question was rewarded by a disgusted glare. “Of course not.” He let the cabinet he had been carrying collide with the others as he threw it.

Another cabinet joined the growing pile. “So why?”

We were walking back to the kitchen, Sasuke enough ahead I almost missed the rosy pink color his cheeks turned as he answered. He had the beginning of a pout on, lips turned down in the corners and his eyes downcast. “It was a bet.”

I almost dropped the few drawers I had just picked up. “A what?” He couldn’t be serious. He bought this place on a bet?

“A bet.” He repeated, back straightening. “I design homes. Or I will once I finish this place. I am going to get Aoiji House renovated and put it in my portfolio. Itachi’s friend said I wasn’t good enough to do it. I am going to prove him wrong.”

What kind of job required him to renovate a whole boarding house as proof? Better said, what circle did he run in to have that kind of money to throw around? Aoiji House might be a bio-hazard but it was still a sizable plot of land.

I mulled it over some as we worked on taking out the table and chairs. I knew the Uchiha family were well off but something didn’t seem right. To just go throw money of this size around meant more than just a lawyers’ salary. This was bigger, grander than just making a table or putting up some curtains. There was more to the story Sasuke wasn’t telling. If hadn't told us yet I doubted you would. If I wanted to know I was going to have to ferret it out of him.

By the time we had finished removing the furniture Sai and Tsunade had finished their jobs. They came out in time to watch Sasuke light the whole pile of wood on fire. It was official; the renovation had started. The kitchen was now empty save the tiled floor and a couple counters. It was nearing one by now and despite our valiant efforts to be useless, Sasuke’s little crew of slave laborers had managed to get the kitchen gutted and cleaned up.

One would normally wait until the evening for a bonfire but I figured he didn’t want us sticking around. Lighting wood on fire was fun but not when it was early afternoon in May. The others wandered back to the house after reporting on their work. Pretty soon it was just Sasuke and I. He sat on a rock, aggressively poking at the fire.  

I watched him for a time, enjoying the way the fire’s light bounced across his face. His eyes were a blank, black stare. I knew that look. The kid seemed a little young to look that sad. Or angry. He seemed to constantly shift between the two.

Without asking I sat down next to him, grabbing a long stick for myself.

“So how old are you anyway?”

He look up at me, eyes concentrating on the burning mess. “Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t but it beats chatting about the weather.”

He finally turned to give me his attention. His eyebrows knit together as he voiced his confusion. “Why do you keep talking to me anyway?”

I looked him in the eye. “Because you are fun to look at.”

My answer almost made him laugh, I saw the tale-tell twitching of his lips. Almost but not quite. Fighting his smile he shrugged, resuming his poking at the fire. “That is a new one.”

“Haven’t gotten called fun before?” I lifted my stick to poke him in the side, earning me a squawk from the boy. 

He grabbed my stick by the mid-section, yanking it away from me with a vehemence glare. I watched sadly as he broke it in two before tossing it atop the burning pile. He continued to stare hatefully at the fire as he answered my question. Apparently I had scared him away from looking at me.

“Oh I have gotten all kinds of adjectives directed at me. Sexy, striking, gorgeous, beautiful—I’ve even gotten pretty.” He wrinkled his nose at the word. “Who calls a dude pretty?”

I shrugged. “I would. You are pretty.”

He gave me a tired look. “I am not pretty. Itachi is _pretty_.  I’m-“

“Cute?” I supplied.

He gave me another glare. Really did he have another facial expression? I was beginning to believe it was the default. “Attractive. I was going to say attractive. People either want to get in my pants or kick me in the face. So yes, fun is _new._ ”

I could see that. Sasuke did tend to run on anger. There would be a story of course—there always was—but I was content not knowing. I didn’t except this, whatever it was, to really go anywhere. It wasn’t that he was my landlord or a good ten years younger than myself. No, Sasuke was simply out of my league. That didn’t stop me from staring though.

“Are you going to keep looking at me like I am an exotic fruit the whole time I am here?” he demanded, exasperation and perhaps curiosity mingled in his tone. It was hard to tell, his voice usually just sounded angry. But I have said that already haven't I?

I gave him a big happy smile. “Of course. Staring is half the fun. No need to call that over-protective brother of yours though—I promise I won’t touch. What’s up with him anyway?”

Sasuke gave me a side-glance before resuming his staring at the fire. “I wouldn’t need Itachi help even if you tried. I can handle myself.” With a rather forceful shove he sent his poking stick straight into the fire. “Itachi is Itachi; enough said.” He stood up quickly, sweat already adding a glisten to his face. He looked down at me, his eyes brimming with what I was beginning to recognize as pain.

It took me a bit but the benefit of being a lecherous old pervert was no one questioned your staring; they just assumed you were checking them out. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t. You could learn a lot staring at people and I had spent the better part of the day staring at my dear landlord. This kid was in pain. Constantly. I doubted he even recognized it himself.

More than wanting to hear the ins-and-out of his brother complex—though that was probably connected to whole living-in-pain thing, I wanted to help teach him that life was meant to laugh and have fun. I wanted to help him. It was the least I could do after what Obito went through to help me. It was fitting in a way; they were both Uchiha’s.

As I watched him pick up a couple of rocks and throw them at a wall, shattering the stray bottles sitting atop it, I thought that perhaps I was getting in over my head. Something told me that Uchiha’s didn’t like getting reformed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still need a beta if anyone is interested. It would defiantly inspire me to write more if I had someone to exchange plot bunnies with. 
> 
> Hope you had fun reading it. Let me know what you think. I love comments and kudos :D They tell me people actually like reading my work. 
> 
> Until next time.


	3. Along Comes Polly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ahem* First off, I lost the ability to get into the email I have attached this account so to the kind individual who offered to beta for me, I apologize. I feel bad that I couldn't/didn't get back to you about it. I hide myself in shame for a year or so because I felt really bad. Then I put my big-boy pants on got over it. Second, I apologize to all you lovelies who left me a comment. I will finish this someday. Promise. It just might be a while... the plot bunnies declared mutiny and left me. T_T
> 
> So here we are, a new chapter. I have a handful of others written but they are quite a bit ahead in the plot. A big goal in life for me right now is to get past my fear and just write.  
> So. Yeah. If you guys have any ideas on scenes or funny things you'd like to see the gang handle, leave me a comment to this chapter with them and we will see what happens. If they fit well enough with the story I will add them in! If no one throws out an idea well, then I guess we will just have to wait till a plot-bunny says hello to me again.
> 
> Thank you again guys!

I was right. Uchiha’s did _not_ like changing. It has been about two weeks now since our little midday bonfire chat and during that time I have suggested three drinking parties, an adventure around the neighborhood and an innocent trip to the small market down the road.

So far I had a bruise on my cheek from getting punched (Sasuke apparently thought I was hitting on him) and most of the skin on my shins were various shades of purple. Sasuke was a violent person. I blame the anger issues. I have yet to have a sharpened object thrown at me however so I figure Sasuke doesn’t _actually_ want me to leave him alone and who am I to deprive him of his fun? After all, he was letting me have so much of it.

Whistling a rather pleasing tune I lifted my hands out of my pocket to twirl my bag around my finger. It was blissfully empty, the contents having been handed to a far too excited intern. I couldn’t believe the guy. He actually enjoyed grading student’s papers. What kind of idiot was _that?_

I had arrived at the corner of East street and 23rd when I noticed a very orange blob across the street. I stopped short to stare in disbelief at what I finally concluded must be a human. It had orange pants and an orange t-shirt. The only thing on him that wasn’t orange was the black lanyard and blue sneakers. What kind of attention hungry fool dressed completely in orange?

Whatever, it made no difference to me. Wait was the orange blob on his knees, begging? I glanced next to him, finally seeing what the orange blob appeared to be pleading with. No way. Was my luck really this good? The man--I mean the blob--was now grabbing the pants of (begging of course not stripping) was none other than Sai.

A blushing, nervous far too emotionally-responding, Sai. I hadn’t grinned this wide in months. I was not letting this golden opportunity pass me by. “Why if it isn’t my dear housemate!” I yelled out, already crossing the street towards them.

The blob turned his head to stare at me. Sai, the poor fool, had the sense to back away from the blob and look afraid. He should be. I was about to get back at him for all those pranks he had been pulling on me for years.

“Who is the orange blob on the ground?” I chirped.

The blob jumped up, finger already out pointing at me. “I am not a blob! My name is Uzumaki Naruto. Who are you?”

I slung my arm over Sai’s shoulders, letting my head rest against his. “Hatake Kakashi at your service. I live in the same boarding house as little Sai here.”

Sai shrugged me off, his plastic smile back in place. “Why are you here Kakashi?”

Oh yes, he knew what was coming. I grinned. “I was on my way home. What seems to be the trouble? Something you need help with blondie?” No Sai, I thought gleefully. I had not missed the blush you had been wearing earlier. Sai, the eternal pervert, had a crush. On a blond jock.

Blondie frowned, his eyebrows creasing together. Man was this guy easy to read. “My roommate didn’t pay his half of the rent _again_ and we ended up getting evicted. I know Sai lives in a boarding house. I was trying to get him to let me stay.”

A stay that of course, Sai did not want happening. If our dear pervert wanted to impress Naruto he couldn't bring him home, not to Aoji House. The place was a decrepit biohazard. Sasuke, bless his sexy hardworking butt, was trying to fix it up but only so much could be done in two weeks. The kitchen was nearly done but that was as far as our personal fairy godmother had gotten.

“What is the problem Sai? We have extra rooms in Aoiji House.” Blondie perked up at this, his smile nearly blinding me. Man what was this guy made of? Sunshine? “That is assuming of course, you know how to use a hammer and a power drill.”

Blondie nodded enthusiastically. “Of course! I have done tons of manual labor jobs. What are you guys building?”

“The building.”

The guy blinked in confusion but wisely didn’t say anything. This was so great. Sai was beside himself with concern and worry. I could even see the sweat starting to appear along his hairline. Totally paying him back for those shower peeps and thumb tacks in bed.

I thumbed Naruto—or was it Boruto?—on the back before swinging my arm around his shoulder. “Alright let’s go home and see if our darling landlord is up for another pair of hands.”

Off we went. Sai, sweating a storm and Naruto laughing happily to my lame jokes. Where had Sai found this one? He was as innocent as new born babe. He was gorgeous in the tanned jokey type but seriously? What the hell Sai? The guy had this goody-two-shoes thing going on that was far too sincere to be any good for guys like us.

Now Sai and I got on so well for a few very simple reasons. He was a true, well-practiced pervert and I was not much better. We were partners in crime. Why, in fact, just two days ago we sneaked around to Sasuke’s bathroom window and got a whole sixty seconds of him showering on film before he realized what was happening. We walked away bruised in several places but it had been totally worth it.

This Naruto, he seemed the type to help every old lady on the street he came across. Naughty and nice only mixed well in porn; Sai needed to snap out of it.

“Well, here we are. Home sweet home,” I announced with an extra wide sweep of my arm to assure him that yes, the broken building in front of him was in fact, where he wanted to stay.

Naruto stared at it awkwardly before slipping that never-ending smile of his back on. “Well I can see why you want to know if I can use a hammer. Awesome, lead the way Mr. Hatake.”

Oh yes, you heard him right. _Mr. Hatake_. Who calls people a name like that these days? This kid was golden. I was still grinning from the joke of it all when we toed off our shoes in the entryway.

Down the hall I could a few swear words and Anko’s shrill laughter. We were supposed to be painting the kitchen tonight in preparation for the cabinets arrival tomorrow. Technically speaking, we were supposed to have shown up about half an hour ago. Sasuke should really know better by now; I didn’t arrive on time for anything.

With a final tug I finished pulling off my sneakers in time to catch Sasuke’s arrival in the hallway. I almost dropped my bag and jacket both. Sasuke was shirtless. As in, low-riding cargo pants, boxers peeping over the top, muscular chest, shirtless. He was down the hall next to the turn you had to take to get to the kitchen. In his hand was a paintbrush and a once red shirt. It looked as if someone had thrown a bucket of white paint at it. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was in fact, exactly what happened. Sasuke wasn’t known for walking around half-naked. I think he must have figured out at some point in his life that if he tried doing that very often, he would just end up getting raped.

He didn’t appear to notice blondie yet, instead focusing his intense glare on Sai and I. His feet hit the floor in a heavy echoing thump as he stalked towards us, his glare getting more intense with each step. Sasuke’s anger appeared to have no effect on Sai and as for myself, his moodiness just made me giddy.

A mad Sasuke was a fun Sasuke, he reacted so well to every little thing. Up close his messy hair looked far too much like sex hair for me to do much more than fight the urge to drool, forget taking him seriously. Ah yes eye candy, oh how I missed it. Then he opened his mouth and I was reminded why all my fantasies of him had his mouth gagged.

“Look who finally decided to show up. Get distracted by the toy shop? We started painting half an hour ago. You can forget about eating dinner.”

I sighed, forcing my gaze off his pecs. “We ran into someone in need of help. How could we walk away, leaving them there homeless?”

Sasuke’s mouth pressed thinner. “Save the excuses Kakashi for someone who cares. Go get changed and report to the kitchen.” He made a move to leave only to stop, his attention finally resting on Naruto. The poor kid was staring wide-eyed at Sasuke, his mouth frozen open.

Sasuke’s eyes switched from Naruto to mine back to Naruto for a moment before resuming their glare at me. “Who is this supposed to be?”

I clapped Naruto on the shoulder. “His name is Uzumaki Naruto. This good lad wants to know if he can stay in one of the extra rooms.”

At this point I became aware of two things. One was Sai, pulled away in the corner, his hands clenching and unclenching with silent worry. The other was the look on Naruto’s face. Now, I couldn’t blame the kid. His mouth had fallen open a bit and a soft red had begun dusting his cheeks.

“Have you ever installed cabinets or worked with pluming?” Sasuke demanded.

Naruto nodded silently. I watched his hand twitch, curling itself into a ball. Was he angry? I was so stunned by the emotion beginning to manifest itself on Naruto I almost missed Sasuke’s response.

Sasuke grumbled something under his breath before turning away from us both. “You have one week to show me what you can do. If you are useful you can stay. If you are lying to me then you can get the hell out of my boarding house.”

When Sasuke finally disappeared behind the corner I heard Naruto let out the breath he was holding. He turned in my direction. “ _That_ is your landlord?” he demanded.

“I know huh?” I grinned at him, my thumb jabbing down the hall Sasuke had stalked down. Maybe I had been wrong and Naruto wasn’t upset. Better stick to keeping things lighthearted just in case.

At my comment of yes, it was our landlord, Naruto shook his head as if the thought struck him wrong. “Is he always that mean?”

Well dang. There was no mistaking it. The blush I had assumed came about because well, Sasuke is Sasuke, was in fact anger, not admiration. I shouldn’t be surprised. Naruto was genuinely a good guy. He cared about people, even people he just met. Hearing Sasuke belittle us like that probably set off a few buttons. No matter, sense of justice or not Sasuke wasn’t going to change. Frankly, I didn’t mind our landlords anger problems. It just made him more fun to provoke.

“You thought that was mean?” I chuckled. “Dear boy, that was Sasuke being nice. Don’t worry though, you will see him when gets mad. It happens like clockwork.”

Naruto looked appalled. “That was nice? Why do you guys even stay here?”

It was my turn to give him a look of disbelief. Goody-two-shoes or not he knew what Sasuke looked like. “Did you not see him? That,” I pointed down the hall, “is the finest eye candy I have seen in a decade.” I shook my head slowly. “You should see the naked footage Sai and I captured of him a few days ago.” I heard Naruto gag on the water he had begun drinking. “Priceless,” I sang.

At this point Sai was trying his best to fade away into nothingness. He had woken me up far too many mornings with cold water on my head to get away from this though. Grabbing his arm, I pulled him close to ruffle the kids’ hair. “Sai and I partners’ on the road of lewd behavior.”

“So are you guys…together then? Like, a couple?”

I was laughing before I got a chance to say no. Despite our bachelor status Sai and I had not once felt the desire to do anything sexual together. I was still shaking my head as I answered. “With a catch like that walking around the house? No, Sai and I aren’t remotely interested in each other.”

“Kakashi! Sai!”

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Or bellow in this case. With a deep sigh we dragged ourselves into the kitchen. Sasuke had been busy while we were gone. The silver metallic backsplash had been installed along with all the appliances, top-grade stainless steel of course. It was actually starting to look like a kitchen instead of a drug lab.

Naruto stood beside me, looking around. If his goofy smile was any clue he seemed impressed with the upgrades. That was until he caught sight of Sasuke. Our lovely landlord hadn’t bothered putting a new shirt on. He stood atop a chair next to one of the walls, hands holding up a long piece of white molding so he could drill it in with the gun in his other hand.

Naruto’s face tensed up, his hands clenching. He was upset, again. What was up with this kid? It was as if the mere sight of Sasuke pissed him off. It looked like it was up to me to lighten the mood. Again. If Naruto decided to stick around I had a feeling this would become a regular thing for me.

Walking behind the chair I stealthy snuck up behind Sasuke. Once positioned correctly I let out a loud catcall, causing him to, of course, jump in surprise. He swore several times as the chair underneath him wiggled. Once he had stabilized it Sasuke kicked out with his foot, catching me in the shoulder. Clutching the offended appendage, I looked up at him, mock hurt perfectly in place.

He didn’t feel guilty at all, a pleasing sneer accompanied his gloating eyes. With a loud thud he let the piece of molding that had fallen off hit me in the head. At this point I knew all he had left for ammunition was the drill gun and I really didn’t want to see what he could do with that. So, with hands raised high in surrender I slowly backed away. He was content to glare at me from his lofty chair.

“What is wrong with you guys?” Naruto demanded. He still hadn’t moved from the front of the kitchen entrance where he now stood, staring at us incredulously.

“If you can’t take this blondie don’t even try and move in.” I leaned over to grab a hammer from the counter to our left. I picked it up, turned around and placed it in Naruto’s open hand. “Now I do believe you said you know how to use this?”

Naruto stared at the hammer.

I made several shooing motions with my hands. “Go on, get to work. Come on.”

From across the kitchen Anko and Jiraiya began laughing. Blondie it appeared, wasn’t going to take this laying down. He spun in place, attempting I was sure, to locate Sai. It didn’t work. Our local mystery boy had taken the moment to disappear completely.

Blondie scowled before finally deciding that if he wanted a place to sleep tonight he would have to put up with our circus. He stalked over to a section of molding piled on the floor of the kitchen and began cutting it. Well he wasn’t using the hammer but I guess that worked.

He got two cuts in before Sasuke threw several small pieces of wood at his head. “It needs to be  90 degrees, not 85! Are you stupid?”

He dropped the wood and hand-saw, spinning around to throw a few wood chunks back at Sasuke. “What did you just call me? Huh ice princess?”

Ice princess? That was a new one. I liked it!

“I called you stupid, moron! Why would you cut molding at an 85 degree angle?” He gestured behind him to the far corner and only empty section atop the ceiling. “That is a 90! You must be as dumb as you look.”

I was torn. Did I stay and watch blondie argue with Sasuke or did I attempt to find Sai?

Naruto was having none of this. He stalked forward, grabbed the chair legs under Sasuke and yanked on them. The chair slide out underneath him, leaving Sasuke to fall flat on his back with a thud and a few brilliant swear words. All decorum and self-respect gone they leaped at each other, hands landing in hair and fists in stomachs.

Find Sai it was then. I, under no circumstances, was going to play referee. With a few steps backward I snuck out of the kitchen and down the hall. I didn’t have to look far. Sai sat outside the house, hands in lap, face blank. I had only seen that look on him a handful of times.

We didn’t know much about Sai. He had simply shown up one morning carrying a duffel bag and a small wad of cash. That had been years ago. It took us a year or two but eventually he opened up, taking on Anko’s drinking habits, Jiraiya’s devotion to porn and my carefree attitude. Before that he had just been…blank.

“So. Blondie.” I sat myself comfortably next to him.

“His name is Naruto,” Sai corrected, his grip on his arms tightening.

I shrugged. “Naruto then. How long have you been in-love with him?”

Sai’s eyes darted to mine, widening. “How?”

“Don’t be so surprised. I was in-love once too. I know the signs.”

“He will hate me Kakashi. After all, this. He had no clue I was gay.”

I shouldn’t laugh, really I shouldn’t. Sai was sensitive. I managed to suppress it to a couple chuckles but in the end I guess I laughed. “After all the perverted comments I made, you worried he knows you are gay now?” I got no response. Yeah, probably shouldn’t have laughed. I let out a deep sigh, forcing myself to somber up. “He gets along great with Sasuke, by the way. When I walked out of the kitchen they had resorted to calling each other names.”

That got a snicker out of him. “He reacted to Sasuke so there is hope Sai.” I decided to take the momentum and try to cheer him up. “That is before our dear landlord opened his mouth. There is a chance for you.”

He shook his head slowly. “No Kakashi, there isn’t. He is dating a nice, curvy woman from school.”

There wasn’t much else to say. I knew the feeling. It hurt. “Falling for the straight guy sucks,” I finally settled on.

“Yes, it does.”

We sat there staring out at the sun as it dipped down over the mountains for a while. The beautiful scenery made quite the contrast to the noises coming from the house. Behind me I could hear Naruto and Sasuke yelling at each other. A couple of times I caught Anko or Tsunade egging them on. After the third crash I decided as nice as it was to bond with Sai I really didn’t want Sasuke to get killed. I would miss my eye candy.

So with a nudge to Sai I got up and made my way back into the house. Sai must have felt better ‘cause he followed me in. When Sai and I walked back into the kitchen Naruto had Sasuke in a headlock with one arm while the other vainly attempted to get Sasuke’s arm in his jacket.

They looked up to see us. Sasuke took the opportunity to head-butt Naruto, freeing himself. With a triumphant sneer he folded his arms. “Moron, I always win.”

Naruto growled. “Whatever bastard! Just put a shirt on,” he said, throwing the orange jacket to Sasuke.

Sasuke ducked down in time to miss the jacket. It landed innocently atop the pile of wood. “What? Do I distract you?”

“What? Of course not!”

Sasuke smirked. “Then you admit you are envious of me?”

How could they hate each other this much? They had met what, ten minutes ago?

“Yeah right! There isn’t anything about you to be envious you girly-bastard!”

Sasuke shook his head from side to side in a slow, mocking movement. “A moron in denial. You only wish you could look as great as I do.”

At this point I decided that if they wanted to strip and compare I wasn’t going to complain. “This might work out you know Sai.”

He nodded, a small smile in place. “Kakashi, I think that this time you may be right.”

* * *

The Strip and Compare never ended up happening, much to my disappointment. We stopped them after the fourth punch Naruto gave to Sasuke’s face. No one, not even Jiraiya, wanted our eye candy damaged. Though I would be lying if I claimed there hadn’t been times I wanted to shut his mouth with a good left hook myself. How had Sasuke phrased it? Ah, that’s right; people either wanted to get in his pants or punch him in the face.

Naruto was definitely in the latter group. After their little fight the blond had stormed right out of Aoiji House. Being the good, social creature he was he stopped his dramatic exit momentarily to thank Sai for the offer but unfortunately he could not live in the same house as a verbally abusive monster. I am pretty sure he missed the relieved sigh Sai let out after he left.

I was with Sai on this one. As fun as it was to sick Naruto on Sasuke the kid just didn’t fit in. Aoiji was a boarding house for the emotional deficient and the lewdly inclined; not the golden boys. Perhaps another day, another time.

“Does it feel good to win?” I asked, hands in my pocket, back leaning against the door frame.

Sasuke stood in front of me, flipping the blond off as he stalked down the gravel walkway. He turned his head to smile at me. Light caught his hair, bathing him in the soft glow of dusk. “Of course. I always win.”

I forced myself to breath, wishing vainly that I had a way to preserve the moment. As he smiled at me, his body a little roughed up from a good fight, he looked like a kid his age should look. Not like an aged, broken china doll.

“So, if I pull out some sake what are the chances I can get you to drink some?”

His smile was already gone before I finished speaking. With Sasuke, the happiness just didn’t last. “About as real as you getting laid.”

“So I take it that’s a yes?”

I knew by now to squat down as soon as the words left my lips, missing the punch Sasuke gave the empty space where my head should have been.

“Tch, tch, Sasuke temper.”

The kick that got me in the gut sent me over double.

“Remember Kakashi, I always win.”

I managed to grab his belt, pulling him down into a deep kiss before he could react. I say deep but really, it only lasted six seconds. It might have been longer but at that point Naruto decided that he couldn’t leave without the last word. With our lips still locked a pebble hit Sasuke in the shoulder, dislodging us. We both looked down the walkway to see Naruto a few yards off, his hand still in throwing position.

“Forget it no! I am not going anywhere! I won’t leave my friends in the hands of a tyrant!”

I could have kicked him in the head. Why, oh why couldn’t he have waited another fifteen minutes? You know, give his heroic good-guy speech after I proved to Sasuke that he should kiss me again? I had waited weeks to get a kiss and now he had ruined it.

With a growl I picked up the pebble he thrown and chucked it at his shoulder. It connected with a solid thwack. “Whatever! Seriously,” I gestured between Sasuke and I. “Don’t you see what you just messed up?”

He looked confused before going bright red. “Wha-I—“

Sasuke saved him the trouble of recovering. He rose from our crouched position to calmly walk into the house and slam the door shut. I heard the distinct turning of keys before the obvious, logical, explanation dawned on me. He had locked me out. Me and Naruto both.

Oh if looks could kill. “It’s your fault,” I seethed.

Naruto had lost the innocent red blushing of his cheeks. Folding his arms, he returned my glare. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Not like you were going to get anything out of it anyway.”

I stood up. “What? I got him to kiss me! Do you have any idea how hard it is it simply get him to stop hitting things?”

Naruto made a big grand gesture to the left side of his face. It had already began turning purple. “Uh yeah, I think I do. Sasuke is way out of your league. Give up.”

“Look kid why are you even here? Didn’t you get a taste of what Aoiji House is like? You can’t make it here.”

“What, why not?” he demanded.

“You,” I poked him in the chest. “are a good, considerate kid out to get everyone’s approval.” I gestured behind me to Aoiji House. “That ugly, dying building is where selfish, rude, egocentric jerks who don’t give a damn about other people live.”

His eyes furrowed together, mouth flapping open. Before he began talking and, heaven forbid, try and stand up for any of us, I raised my hand palm up, silencing him. “You don’t belong here.” His eyes darkened, lips thinned. Great I was making him mad. “Look you are a nice guy Naruto. I appreciate your heroic attitude and all but some people don’t want to be treated good or fairly. For some of us, we are just not comfortable being around people who live on sunshine and happiness. We _like_ being broken.”

He clearly didn’t understand what I was trying to say. That is what I got for going for a double major in psychology and philosophy. No one knew what the hell I was talking about most of the time. Sasuke understood but I think that was more because of how messed up he was inside than anything else.

I didn’t know much about why he was in so much pain but I knew that he was. He had broken apart enough times to understand once you were in that many pieces, happiness didn’t feel right. Kind words cut deeper than insults, hugs more crushing than punches. Love felt _wrong_.

“Go hit up your girlfriend or another buddy for the night Naruto. I know you have other friends. You are too nice not to.” I turned around to walk toward the side of the house. If I was lucky Sasuke would forget to lock the windows. I could climb in from mine, it was on the first floor.

“No.”

I stopped walking mid-step, turning slowly to get a look at him. He hadn’t moved an inch. He was still standing there, feet apart, hands and face clenched tight.

“What didn’t you—“

He cut me off. “Mr. Hatake, with all due respect though at this point, I am starting to wonder if you deserve any, I don’t back out from promises. I promised Sai I would look out for him and that is what I am going to do.”

Well I be damned. This kid had guts. I shook my head, giving up at this point. “Fine do what you want then but remember this, in Aoiji House, it’s the survival of the fittest.”

I continued on to my window where I found it unfortunately locked. I doubted Sasuke would have dared walking into the dirty mess. Which meant…Sai. Of course he would take the first opportunity to get back at me, front porch bonding or not. I had to find a way in. I was not sleeping out here all night.

“Hey! Over here, Kakashi!”

I followed the sound of Naruto’s voice, bringing me around to the front of the house again. He stood underneath Tsunade’s balcony, one finger pointing excitedly at a long drain pipe leading up to her sliding door.

I gave him a long, slow look. “You can’t be serious.”

My words did nothing to detract from his obvious hyper excitement. He had probably gotten the idea from some comic book and was now over the moon at actually being able to try it.

“Look kid, you see this house,” I gestured to it, rotting shingles and askew shutters. “You think that thing, as old and rusty as this house, is going to hold you up enough to climb onto the balcony?”

He had the gall to stick his tongue out at me. “You know Mr. Hatake, you suck. I thought you were pretty cool at first but now, you just suck.”

He ignored my suggestion, putting his feet against the house siding, his hands on the pipe. He was going to do it. The kid was actually going to climb the pipe. I was floored. As if to proof that I did indeed, suck, he began climbing the pipe. I admit, my eyes probably looked like marbles and my mouth something akin to a fish. He was doing it. Naruto was climbing the drain pipe.

With a triumphant fist pump and a loud shout he jumped several times atop the balcony. He turned immediately to the sliding door and began knocking politely. Tsuande slide the door open, a wide grin and sake bottle in hand. “You coming in kid?”

He laughed, happy to climb in. Leaning his head back he caught my eyes, an obvious sneer sliding across his face.

That did it. Scowling and swearing I walked over to the pipe drain. If the orange blob could climb the pipe then by gally so could I. I placed my hands determinedly against the pipe, my feet on the sliding.

I got two steps up before the whole thing came down in a big clattering pile. Pushing the pipe pieces away from me I glanced up, catching sight of the whole gang on Tsundades balcony. Everyone, Sasuke included, were either sneering or laughing at me.

“Yeah, yeah laugh at poor Kakashi,” I muttered, dusting my self-off.

“Come on Kakashi, you can figure something out.”

“Yeah I thought you were a child genius!”

I chose that moment to flip them all off. I gave rusty piping one solid kick before turning around, hands in pockets, to sulk in another corner. Forget them. If they were going to be jerks about it all, fine, I didn’t need them.

That was what I told myself as I sat huttled in the remains of our storage shed out back. I found a few old cigarette packs and was halfway through the last one when my tormentors decided to act. I had my feet up with my back leaning comfortably against the shed, staring at the house. I think he was trying to be sneaky about it but the moving yellow blob in the dark was a pretty obvious giveaway.

I let him sneak up to the front, about a yard away, before I called out. “Naruto, I know that’s you.”

He had enough decency to rub at his hair. “That much of a giveaway huh?”

“You could be a flashlight.” I chuckled, butting the end of the cigarette on the concrete beside me.

He laughed a bit. Shuffling forward he approached me. This close I could see his face. His right eye had swollen right up and his lip looked split. The left side of his face was various shades of red and blue. I found all injuries very satisfying. “Sasuke get you again?”

He gave me a shoulder shrug as his back hit the shed. In one smooth motion he slide down the shed, reached a hand out and grabbed the box of cigarettes. “He doesn’t hold back much does he?”

I chuckled, recalling the various purpling areas of my body. “Not at all.” Relighting my old cigarette because dang, if they kid could smoke then so could I, I took a long drag of it, savoring the burning in my lungs. I hadn’t smoked in years. Not sense college. “Well, he wouldn’t be Sasuke if he did. Its all or nothing with him.”

Naruto had a cigarette in his lips as well, moving it up and down with his teeth. We watched the eroding ash bounce around between his raised knees, hitting the concrete like sparks. “No he wouldn’t. He hasn’t changed much sense middle school.”

I nearly choked, spitting out my cigarette in shock. They knew each other? Why hadn’t he said anything? Had Sasuke recognized him?

“He was viscous back then. I swear he had teachers pulled off him everyday. Took his time getting to class too. We weren’t close,” he held his cigarette in front of him, as if memorized by the glowing embers. “I tried but he didn’t like people. Before the year was over he was expelled.” Naruto shrugged. “That was the last I saw of him until now.”

I could picture Sasuke like that. It wasn’t much of a stretch after all. He was already all anger and bristling pride. “So you recognized him?”

Naruto nodded.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

It was his turn to chuckle. “The last time we had a conversation we were both bleeding. I was one of many at the receiving end of his fists. After his initial reaction… Well, sense he didn’t seem to remember me, I figured it was best to start fresh.”

“Doesn’t look like it did you much good.” I flicked a hand to his face.

“Maybe not.” He got up, dusting off his pants. “But I don’t give up Kakashi. Not on my friends.” He turned around, extending a hand out to me. “Come on. Sasuke left the back door open for us.”

I didn’t understand him. He was too kind. People weren’t that caring without a reason. I bet he was a manipulative ego maniac inside. Maybe he belonged in Aoji House after all. I took his hand, pulling myself up. I guess it didn’t really matter in the end. If he didn’t belong we would find out shortly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said in the beginning. Throw an idea for a chapter out there for me. It can't hurt. In fact, chances are, it will be hilarious. Oh! And there won't be any Naruto/Sasuke or vice-versa. As much as I enjoy that pairing, it just doesn't fit with the story. In fact, Naruto wasn't supposed to stick around AT ALL. But he wouldn't go away. I kept trying to make him but he wouldn't. So he is here is stay for now.


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